Just For Fun: Creative Writing
A Millennial Heartbreak
A broken heart is painful. It's been a while since I've felt that feeling, but yesterday... it happened again. And it was a special kind of heartbreak -- one in which I needed to take time to clean up the mess.
There are a few things that cause this special kind of heartbreak -- neediness, impatience, obliviousness, carelessness, and simply not screwing well enough. The last, one, of course, is the most embarrassing on the list. But screwing hard and well really is the crucial key to keeping the bond between the lid and the jar together, so to speak.
And in hindsight, I wish I had known that before blindly dropping and spilling the ENTIRE jar of Trader Joe's® Kosher Dill Pickles all over my kitchen floor.
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If Dieting Were Presented Like a Three-Course Meal at a Fancy Restaurant:
Good evening everyone, my name is Francesco and I'll be taking care of you. Is this your first time dining with us at La Bland? No worries, you're going to love it. For our first course we have a Granny Smith apple served with three glasses of water and two and a half baby carrots. Don't get too excited, before you can fill yourself up on that we have our main course (hold onto your spines) – two dry turkey meatballs topped with five pieces of lettuce. And for dessert ... hold the phone and whip out your inhalers because you will be indulging in BAM: peanut butter a la ricecake. MMM. The kitchen closes at 8 PM. Enjoyyy and bon appétit!
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The Girls: IKEA Thoughts
Girl 1:
There's supposedly a ferry that was built specifically to go to the IKEA in Brooklyn.
Girl 2:
Well that boat must have been a pain to put together...
Girl 1:
Yeah, it probably took at LEAST twelve boyfriends.
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The Girls Part 2 – Philosophical Conversations
Girl 1:
You know how in the 90s it was cool to be skinny, like heroin skinny? And in the 2000s it was cool to have big boobs, and now it's cool to have a big butt?
Girl 2:
Yeah.
Girl 1:
What do you think will be cool ten years from now?
Girl 2:
Hopefully big stomachs.
The Girls Part 3 – Relaxing
Girl 1:
It's tea time again. I just really love tea!
Girl 2:
Is that your fifth cup? If you keep drinking tea you're going to start putting 'U's in places where they don't belo–
Girl 1:
BOLLOCKS!